I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
