he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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