you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
