i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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