3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
