so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Randomize
