yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
