tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
