remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
