What did we do last night that was yellow?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
