My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
