There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
