your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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