Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
