I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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