I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
