OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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