Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
