it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
