My underwear smells like fireworks.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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