my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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