i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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