My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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