he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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