I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
