glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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