its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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