I'm so fucking centered right now
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
either way he was missing a nipple.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
