i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
