just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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