When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
