I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
