11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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