I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I need a burrito and a hug.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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