I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
