I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
