We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
