Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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