good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
