Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
