Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
