i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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