dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
your penis
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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