I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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