I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
