She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
