nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
