You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
