I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Sober January is a disaster.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
