if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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