When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
